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T E C H   S U P P O R T   T A L E S   # 9
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WARNING! TO PROPERLY READ THIS DOCUMENT, FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY:

* Wear a grounding strap.
* Be seated in a puddle.
* Have a bowl of pretzels handy.
* Rub a balloon on your head.
* Apply a moisturizer to your chin.

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE STORIES THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ....BUT THEY ARE
ALL TRUE!* It will never cease to amaze me how silly and befuddled some
people get with their computers. Every day thousands of people turn on
their computers (or try to) and come across a problem which they think they
understand. The results of their actions can be amusing and often
hilarious. And let's not forget the boneheaded Techs we all have to endure
from time to time.

  *** WELCOME ***
to issue #9 of TECH SUPPORT TALES - the publication which proves that
stupidity breeds humor. This issue of Tech Support Tales has been sent to
1,525 email subscribers around the globe by a band of renegade turkeys.

Breaker One Nine,
You can now visit the Tech Support Tales FTP site for back issues. I will periodically place other funnies (sounds, graphics, etc.) there, so stop in every once in a while.

ftp.jaxnet.com/private/users3n4

The Tech Support Tales web site is temporarily offline. It will be back up soon with a new URL. I will let everyone know what it is as soon as it is ready for your hits.

I'm giving some thought to selling out and making Tech Support Tales t-shirts. Would you wear one? Maybe I can sell enough to pay for a plane out to the Macworld Expo in San Francisco this January. Hmmm...must open PhotoShop and see what I can come up with. I'm itching to go to one of these monster shows since I'm still yet to attend one.

For all you Mac users out there, check out our new User Group BBS. Speakers Corner BBS located in Jacksonville, FL is the home of COMUG (Creative Online Macintosh Users Group). Dial in (no Telnet yet) at 904-448-2020. It's run on TeleFinder Server 4.0 and if you'd like a copy of the custom settings file, let me know and I'll send you one. Windows users are welcome too...we're not snobby Mac people.

OK, on with the tales! Enjoy, and have an extra helping of stuffing for me. **burp =:-D

-Eric Hausmann
Editor, Tech Support Tales
Vice President, COMUG
[e-mail]

TO SUBSCRIBE: I'm not using a fancy-schmancy mail server, so please don't
send me any cryptic mail server type messages...a simple note with the
words "Subscribe Tech Support Tales" in the subject field will do the
trick.

BACK ISSUES: Back issues can be obtained via FTP (ftp.jaxnet.com/private/users3n4) or directly from me via email. Let me know which issues you'd like and I'll send them your way. And as always, if you have any of your own stories that you would like to see in a future issue, please send them along!

Send all submissions mail, comments, rants, complaints and extra frozen Butterballs to: [e-mail]

Thanks to the following individuals for sharing the jokes and tales you are
about to read:
I [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail]
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---------------
LETTERS TO TST
---------------

One story below sent milk out my nose when I read it.
[e-mail]
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I read, with interest, your issue #8 as my first issue. If I didn't have
to get up from wetting my pants I would have gone to the hospital because
of a side ache!
[e-mail]
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I work on a help desk for an HMO, and we
laugh our heads off every time you come out with a new one!

Two weeks ago, one of our analysts actually had to tell a user the space
bar "was the big long one at the bottom of  the keyboard..."
[e-mail]
____________________________________________________________
Just read #7.  Hilarious.

And people wonder why I won't let them touch my system....
[e-mail]
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SIG-O-MANIA!
-------------
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
 - Mitch Ratcliffe, _Technology Review_, April, 1992
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"Today, visual depictions of children engaging in any imaginable form
  of sexual conduct can be produced entirely by computer, without using
  children, thereby placing such depictions outside the scope of Federal
  law," Senator Hatch said in a statement.         --NYT, 9/14/95
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Who REALLY puts the filling in the twinkies, anyway?
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------------
COMPU-JOKES
------------

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were
called in by God.  God informed them that he was very unhappy about what
was going on in this world.  Since things were so bad he told the 3 that
he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.  They were all allowed to return to
their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was
happening.  God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was
*not* changing his mind. So.....

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff.... I have good news and bad news
for you.  First the good news.... there *is* a God.  The bad news is that
he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.

Boris went back and told his staff that he had bad news and bad news.  The
first was.... there *is* a God...... the second was that he was destroying
the Earth in 3 days.

Bill Gates went back and told his staff..... I have good news and good
news.... first.... God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in
the world.  The second is..... we don't have to fix the bugs in Win95.
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YOU MIGHT BE A "HI-TECH REDNECK" IF....

* If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

* If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

* If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

* If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

* If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.

* If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"

* If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

* If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her

* If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

* If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

* If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal

* If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"
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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS

DOS BEER
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-ounce can, but now comes in a 16-ounce can. However, the can is divided into eight compartments of 2 ounces each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's non longer available.

MAC BEER
At first, came only in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in a 32-ounce can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.

WINDOWS 3.1 BEER
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-ounce can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 BEER
Comes in a 32-ounce can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

WINDOWS 95 BEER
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-ounce cans, but when you look inside, the cans have only 16 ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

WINDOWS NT BEER
Comes in 32-ounce cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX BEER
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 ounces to 64 ounces. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.

AMIGADOS BEER
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in 32-ounce cans, too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS BEER
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or possibly contain extremely un-beerlike contents.
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SO MANY USERS, SO FEW GRENADES
-------------------------------

A kid called our Service Dept for an LC he had in for repair. The hard drive had gone south, and he needed quotes on replacements. He wanted to know if he could get a hard drive with a CD-ROM drive built into it....
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Us: Hello Tech support. How can I help you?

Them: Hi. I'm tryin' ta print somethin' and it's crashin' da fu**in'
rip.

Us: Which rip?

Tham: da fu**in' rip man, dis progreeam fu**in' sucks.

Us: No no no. What kind of rip is it sir?

Them: Well, it idn't reeeally a rip. It's just a fu**in' printa.

Us: What kind of printer might that be?

Them: Some HP color printa somethin somethin c.

Us: OK. And what kind of a file are you trying to print on it?

Them: I got dis drawin' here, it's got some pitchas I imported into
it, and I arranged 'em all pretty like by pastin' inside a buncha
rectangles. An' I wanna print 'em on the printa 'cuz I gawt it fer
real cheap, like two hunnerd dollas, fer buyin my computer and I
wanna see if it woiks. I got deez pitchas a my family, and I put 'em
inta some rectangles. I scanned da fu**in' pitchas on my new scanna.

Us: How many pichas, errr, pictures did you scan, sir?

Them: Ten.

Us: Ok and how did you arrange them?

Them: I put around on the page so that the cawnas ovalap rill pretty.

Us: And how big are they?

Them: Oh about an inch or two sqaure each.

Us: No no ... in terms of memory how big are they?

Them: Oh 'bout 2 or three memgabytes each. Some are smawlla.

Us: Lemme get this straight. Your sending a 20 megabyte file with
almost a dozen...

Them: Yo. 's only ten of 'em.

Us: OK, TEN overlapping high resolution files pasted inside scanned images to
a cheapie color printer you got for $200, and you expect it to print?

Them: Sure. Why not?
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When I was working for a software company, one day I got a call from a customer wondering if we had WordPerfect for the Gameboy. I said "No, but I'll call you when it comes in." Sometimes it's better to go along with the customer and not ask any questions.

Now I sell computers. Often I get customers coming in from off the street, wandering, looking around and finally asking, "Do you sell Plentium computers?"
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At a local office superstore where I used to work a man was looking at
various computer systems.  I approached him and answered his questions
about the machines.  After telling him that the model he was looking at
had a fax/modem.  He twisted and turned looking at the computer from all
angles with a perplexed expression on his face.  He then asked me, "So
where do you feed the paper in?"
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I am a tech for HP Calc support and I got a call last week from a lady
who wanted to send in her husband's calculator to be "overhauled".  When I asked her what was wrong with it she replied " Oh nothing it works fine he just wanted to get it looked at and have some upkeep maintenance done on it."  I guess she wanted the 10,000 calculation tuneup.
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As I sat in my veal fattening pen answering questions regarding our
products, I was the poor unfortunate who had to respond to the
following situation without laughing at the caller in utter contempt
and ridicule.

Me: "Hello- Tech Support"
Him: "Yeah- I got that there version 3.1 of your program and it don't
run on my Macintosh 7500."
Me: "Yes sir. That is correct. 3.1 is not compatible with the PCI
Power PC Macs. You need version 5.0 or later."
Him: "Yep- I got me one of them version 5's too! It runs fine! Right
quick too!"
Me: (stifling laughter at his imbecility) "Well sir, you have the
upgrade, so what's the problem?"
Him: "Well, I just want to know when you're gonna make the 3.1
version run on Power PCs, 'cuz we've been using the 3.1 version years
more than the 5.0 and we like it just fine."
Me: (trying mot to scream into the phone YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!) Well,
sir, that's one of the reasons why 5.0 was invented.

The conversation basically drifted into a quick and equally pointless
close from there.

People like that amaze me. Too dumb to live. Too stupid to die. But
they can vote and own guns...
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I worked for Radio Shack for a period of about 3 months.  Within the three
month period I had the following scenario occur:

Customer walks in and says "My radio is broken!"

So of course I would ask, "Have you checked the batteries?"

"Yes.  I'm positive they are fine!"

As part of what I was trained to do, I had to check the batteries anyway.
This made the customer rather irate, but I simply informed them that it was
procedure to check the batteries.

I check the batteries and they are deader than a door!  And I politely point
out that the batteries are infact dead. Upon replacing them, I show them that
it was the battery problem.

And their response: "But the package says that they are good until January
1998!!"
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Me: What can I help you with?
Customer: I'm having trouble with file transfers.  I've read the manual,
but nothing seems to be working.

We check the procedure the customer was using. Everything was fine.  Check
the users settings.  Everything was fine.  I asked "Have you had any
other problems connecting with this system?"

Customer: "Connecting?"

Me: Yes, other than trying to transfer a file to this system, do you have
any other problems after connecting to the remote system.

Customer: I just start your program and try to transmit the file.  You
mean I have to call the other system first?  How do I do that?
____________________________________________________________
CALLER: I just installed the Faxcilitate fax software and have lost the manual.

ME: It's on the MicroPhone LT disk.

CALLER: Oh, well, that disk is locked away and I can't find it right now. (Pause.) It doesn't seem to be on the America Online disk.

ME: No, Ma'am, it's on the Microphone LT disk.

CALLER: I can't find the manual anywhere.

ME: Yes, Ma'am, it is not a printed manual. It is a file on the Microphone LT floppy disk.

CALLER (to someone in the office): Can you get me the key to... (Long pause.) OH! It's on the Microphone LT disk!

ME: Yes, Ma'am.

CALLER: Thank you so much. You've been so very helpful.

ME: You're welcome.

One question: Does Snapple offer a HEMLOCK variety...
____________________________________________________________
Last night, I had a woman on the phone who was trying to get her Mac's DOS card to see more memory.  Not only did she change her story 10 times, but she kept restarting the Mac, over and over.  I would say, "Let's change this option in PC Setup now, ok?"  BONG!  "Ma'am, why did you restart your Mac?"  "I wanted the changes to take effect."  "Please don't restart until I ask you to, ok?"  "Ok."  Anyway, we'd go back into the PC Setup, change something, and then, inevitably, BONG!  I got so pissed off, I finally said to her, "Ma'am, you shouldn't restart so much, you're going to burn out your restarting coil, and that's not covered under Apple's warranty."  She got so scared, she didn't even want to restart her Mac ever again.  She even told me, "Thank you so much for telling me that, I don't want to burn out my coil."
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My friend Duane was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, ╥It╒s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!╙
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Customer calling tech support:" I just called about half-an-hour ago and the person I talked to said he'd mail me a new disk with new software on it. Where is it? I'm still waiting for it!"
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A tech was trying to determine what kind of modem a customer had because the connection with his modem wasn't very reliable. And in a terminal program he had the member type ATI3 (which usually gives some indication of the modem's manufacturer or  speed). And the tech asked, "What does it say now?" The member responded with, "AT&T Data/fax modem 14.....Wait a minute I see the problem right here, I use MCI not AT&T."
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Current and previous issues of TECH SUPPORT TALES are available via FTP (ftp.jaxnet.com/private/users3n4) or via e-mail request at [e-mail]. ASCII and ye shall receivii! Portions of TECH SUPPORT TALES also appear in MacSense, the Macintosh ezine (http://www.precursor.mb.ca/macsense/) every month as well as other fine publications.

Back issues can be obtained via FTP (ftp.jaxnet.com/private/users3n4) or directly from me via email. Let me know which issues you'd like and I'll send them your way.

To be included in an upcoming issue of TECH SUPPORT TALES (and other
related publications), send your letters, tech stories & computer jokes to:
[e-mail]

Until next time...
Internet? It's just a fad.

*to the best of my knowledge, buddy boy.

Copyright (c) 1995 Eric Hausmann. Tech Support Tales is a registered trademark.
You are encouraged to redistribute this document freely by uploading it to other
BBSs and online services. Photocopying & faxing of TST is also encouraged.
Please keep in mind that I'd like TST to be kept in its original state and
remain unaltered. If you are a book, magazine or electronic publisher and
are interested in reprinting any part of TECH SUPPORT TALES, write me &
I'll have my people contact your people for a PowerUserBookTieToolsLunch meeting.